Episode 087

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            “Just because,

I don’t say anything

            Doesn’t mean,

I don’t like you.

            I open my mouth and I try and I try,

            But no words came out.”

                        Moldy Peaches, Nothing Came Out

 

 

            The vegetables in the skillet sizzled vibrantly, the steam rising over the stove and into the vent that whisked it away.  In the open kitchen of Morgan’s apartment, the sound of the cooking food was as pervasive as the smell.

            At the counter, Morgan chopped up steak into thin strips as Ralph slowly walked amongst the countertop appliances, happily exploring the new scenery.  Morgan looked at the tiny turtle as it passed behind the flour jar, the curvature of the glass distorting the turtle.  He went back to the meat, slicing up more of it with smooth, regular motions of his long kitchen knife.

            The door next to the refrigerator opened and Rebecca stepped out, turning off the light to the bathroom.  “It smells good,” she observed with a smile.  She came around to the counter, making Ralph instantly jerk inside his green and yellow shell.

            “Oy,” Morgan said, tapping the turtle on the top of its shell with the tip of his knife.  “Don’t got to sleep.  You’re supposed to be entertaining.”

            Rebecca smiled.  “He’s scared, the poor little thing.”  She lowered down to the counter, coming equal with Ralph.  “I’m so big and he’s so small.”

            “Yeah, the growth hormones aren’t working,” Morgan grumbled.  Rebecca stood up, confused.  “It’s a joke.  And clearly not a funny one.”

            “Sorry,” she apologized before she walked aimlessly back to the table in the breakfast nook where her beer waited.  “So, you were telling me about your friends.”

            “I was trying to forget,” Morgan muttered under his breath.

            Leaning against the table in jeans and a conservative halter-top, Rebecca noticed his hesitation.  “Why don’t you want to talk about them?  I mean, they’re your friends.”  Morgan finished slicing the meat and turned to the stove, sliding the newest addition into the pan.  He began to swish the food around, letting it sear.  “Are they not good friends?” she ventured.

            “No, they’re god friends,” Morgan said.  “And they’re good people.  They’re just…friends from a time in my life that wasn’t so good.”

            She sipped her beer thoughtfully.  “Do you want to talk about it?”  Morgan didn’t answer.  He took a steel spatula from over the stove and began to stir the food rather than swirl it.  “I’ve never been much of a friends person,” she speculated, focusing on nothing as she spoke.  “I mean, I knew people.  For a good part of my life, I knew a lot of people.  I always knew where there was a party and stuff.   But none of the people I hung out with were…I don’t know…Good.”

            “Imagine,” Morgan spoke aloud, not facing Rebecca.  “Imagine you were a solider.  Imagine that you were sent into a hellish place.  Vietnam, Bosnia, wherever.  And imagine you were partnered up with some of the best people you could ever hope to be.  People who looked out for you, took care of you, and were there for you.”  Switching off the stove, he turned around to her.  “Now imagine being back in the daily life.  But seeing them reminds you of that time, of that horrible place where you knew them.”  He took a breath.  “Can you imagine the shame you feel, for not wanting to associate with the best people you’ve ever known?  Can you imagine how horrible it is to want to avoid you best friends because of what they remind you of?”  He smiled and stepped towards Rebecca.  “And can you imagine, the hate and disgust you garner for yourself, because as much as you hated that time, in that hellish place, you can’t help but feel like, in some way, things were better then because things were clear.”

            “When I was friends with them,” Morgan explored, “the world was a beautiful and wonderful place, full of hope and potential.  But it was all a lie, a lie I had created.  And now, the world is dark and horrible and there’s so little hope.  And I envy them, because their world is still beautiful and wonderful, and I guess I hate them because I envy them, and I, uh, I hate myself, in some way, because I envy them, and I also hate myself because I lied to make the world beautiful and wonderful, and I hate myself because I’m the one who shattered that lie.”

            Rebecca stared up into Morgan’s eyes.  “What kind of life did you lead?” she asked in worry-soaked awe.

            He was quiet, taking a moment to answer.  “A good life.”

 

            “So who are these friends of yours?” Rebecca asked, catching the basketball.  She dribbled it a few times, then held her hands up, shooting a fast shot from the free-throw line, sinking it.

Morgan caught the ball as it fell through the hoop set up over his garage and passed it back to her.  Everett’s probably my best friend,” he said.  “He and I went to the same high school.  As did a mutual friend, Sydney.”

“Like, the city?” she asked, shooting again.

This time, the ball rebounded off the backboard.  Morgan rushed to catch it and replaced Rebecca at the free-throw line.  “Yes.  And please, all the jokes, all the puns, it’s been done to death.”  Rebecca smiled, but said nothing.  “But she and I have…I guess you could say we dated.  Once.  Maybe.”  He dribbled.  “Maybe.”  He tilted the ball and tossed it at the basket, hitting the rim.

The ball bounced away and Rebecca went running into the grass to retrieve it.  “Is there still anything between you guys?”

Morgan was quiet until Rebecca took her shot.  “Not really.  Not anymore anyway.”  He passed the ball back to her.

In the dimming light of dusk, Rebecca caught the ball, staring at Morgan with an intent look.  “You know I don’t believe you, right?”

“Yeah,” he said with an indifferent look.  “You’re a smart girl.  I’m sure you can read between the lines and tell when I’m lying to you.”

She took another shot, this one bouncing off the backboard.  “Then why lie?” she asked.

“Lies are like children; they’re a lot of work, but they’re the only real hope for the future,” he answered, dribbling the ball as he approached the shooting line.  “I don’t lie to you about anything important.  In fact, I don’t lie to you about anything at all, except lies of omission.  But you do the same to me, so I figure we’re even.”  He shot the ball, watching it hit the rim again.  “Are you ready to tell me absolutely everything?”

Rebecca caught the ball, stopping just shy of the grass.  She watched as Morgan headed beneath the goal.  “You’re missing intentionally, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because the game isn’t fun if one person never misses,” he said.

“You can’t miss,” she said with an incredulous smile.

“No, I can miss.  I’ve been missing this entire time.”  He smiled at her.  “I just won’t.  Not unless I want to.”

She smiled and shook her head.  “If anyone else said that, I’d think they were lying.”

“And you think I’m not?”

“No,” she said.

“Why?”

“Because you’ve been honest about lying,” she said with a wink, tossing the ball to him, heading inside.

 

            The call of summer insects filled the humid night air as the world quieted down for the evening.  The stars overhead twinkled vibrantly as the soft hue of the neighborhood disappeared into the trees, leaving the house secluded in its own company.

            Morgan came out onto the balcony overlooking is small yard on a hill, carrying a beer and a bottle of water.  Rebecca turned from the telescope set up on the wooden railing with a smile.  “I’ve never seen anything like this.”  She accepted the beer from Morgan and looked back through the sight.  She laughed girlishly.  “I can see the surface of the moon.”  She looked up as Morgan leaned against the railing opposite her.  “There’s got to be a song title in there somewhere.”

            “I think you’re thinking of ‘Dark side of the moon’ by Pink Floyd,” he suggested with a grin.

            “Maybe,” she said.  She twisted the top off her beer and took a sip.  “Okay, now, you don’t drink,”

            “Not much.”

            “But you have two six-packs downstairs,” she puzzled.  “Why?”

            “I know you do drink,” he said.  “I consulted some people and they recommended those two beers as ‘safe choices’.”

            “Ah,” she smiled.  “You know, if I didn’t know better,” she said, pausing to take a sip, “I’d say you were getting me liquored up.”

            “For what purpose?” he asked.

            “I don’t know.  Something nefarious,” she said playfully.

            “You’ve had three beers in four hours,” he said with a laugh.  “If I have any nefarious plans, I don’t think the alcohol will be playing a role.”

            She smiled and put her beer down on the railing.  She sauntered slowly towards Morgan, taking the collar of his green shirt in her thin fingers.  “That’s a shame,” she said before kissing him.

 
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